fuck off australia part 4

[goat]

found a good looking show on netflix, top 72 stroppy animals or something

all 72 are in fucking australia!...what the fuck is going on with that place, seriously no need, pick 2 you want to keep and kill the rest

how do you go to the pub without a croc having your leg off and shit and is it safe having a shit or will a shark have your bollocks off

[gavin]

It would make your life more interesting at least but I don't think incidents are that common. Anyway there's loads of dangerous animals in Cardiff.

[goat]

only the women

some tart had her head bit by a sea lion, seriously, close the place down


not seen ken on this  list yet

[nimrod]

America is worse

I can go walking on Mt Tambourine or the Glasshouse Mtns near where I live and the only thing to watch for are snakes which dont attack you, they fuck off when they hear you coming, nothing is gonna eat you..

In the US, you have to worry about nasty Bears, Mountain lions, Cougars, Snakes, Coyotes, Wolves

I once stayed in a log cabin in Sierra Madre mountains in California and at 1 am I was woken by a bear outside my fucking cabin, I was terrified it would rip the door of and eat me (maybe girlfriend first) didnt get any sleep

Much safer in Oz, no guns either   

[goat]

bollocks, sharks, crocs, spiders in your daps, snakes every bastard where and its too hot

not a big fan of africa either

[nimrod]

you watch too many daft tv shows

only scary things here are the women 

(now chopper reed's dead) 

[goat]

dont come running to me after a koala has kicked the shit out of you

[nimrod]

dont come running to me after a koala has kicked the shit out of you

you gotta wach out for them dropping out of trees, about 4 kilo's they could give you brain damage

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

[bluepill]

fuck that.

[nimrod]

Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

do you think thats real or a photoshop jobbie?

[Swiss]

Apart from the snake, looks like you'd catch something anyway!


I was attacked by a Spider in Oz, was cooking in a rented villa (sounds posher than it was) and dropped some raw mince on the floor. A spider climbed out from underneath and started feasting on it. My GF at the time wouldn't let me kill it so I got a bowl and a plate and attempted to catch it (no way picking it up by hand). As I put the plate down it started hissing at me (rubbing it's back legs on it's carapace) and then started jumping at the plate over and over again... My size 11's came down fast on that little fucker.

Saw a massive red cricket in the bog.

We had a lizzard climbing up the bathroom wall, the ex took a photo and the flash stunned it, poor fella never recovered!

Saw loads of Jelly Fish

Sawins in the sea and rushed out to see everyone rushing in... Dolphins, not taking my chances there!

Didn't see any snakes

There was a tiny black spider that lived above the back door, we ran out of that every time!

had a cockroach climb over our bed, boy that was big!

And there was something in the loft... kept moving things and scuttering about...

Didn't see any snakes

The news reported that a 15 foot tiger shark had been spotted off the beach we were swimming on...

got sunburnt.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

do you think thats real or a photoshop jobbie?

Sometimes I worry about you nimmers    Of course it's not Photoshoped - check the picture URL, it's from a legitimate ABC news story.

The recent lack of rain around Townsville has dried out a lot of the natural snake habitats and it seems a fair number of snakes have been seeking solace in suburban toilets!

Full story (with more pics) here -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-15/snakes-in-loos-search-for-water-in-townsville-houses/6778608

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Swiss needs to man up 

I've lived here 20 years and not seen a single snake outside of a wild life park. Seen plenty of snake trails in the sand / dirt - but no snakes. They tend to avoid humans.

On average only 1 to 2 people are killed by sharks in Australia each year (since records began in 1791).
In Britain more people are killed by cows. It's only a few years ago that 4 people in the UK were trampled to death by cows in one 2 month period alone.

The thing "in the loft" was probably only a possum

As far as your well being is concerned the sunburn you got was probably the most hazardous thing.

Although.... the hissing spider does sound interesting. Did it have any markings?

[goat]

so kens working for the aussie tourist board now


see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

and add the accent to my list...not everything is a question

[Rowley Birkin QC]

so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows

and add the accent to my list...not everything is a question

Got a point there. Bloody annoying is the 'Australian Inflection'.

[nimrod]

I didnt notice the ABC thing Ken,  but Ive seen a few fake pictures of Aussie creatures.........I think the thing is if you live in a City (like me & Ken) you dont see snakes, Ive lived on 2 acres for a good few years and Ive only seen 2 snakes and one of them was dead, seen loads of possums, brush turkeys, Kangaroos, Koalas, giant fruit bats etc I think snakes tend to go to live in places where humans dont live, we get a few spiders in the house, say 1 a month but I dont mind them, Huntsmen spiders scared me to death when I first came here but I can actually pick one up now and put it out, they are about the size of the average womans (quite big) hand but not poisonous, we sometimes get one coming in the house in summer, they dont build webs, they hunt at night and can travel one or two kilometres a night

[goat]

so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows

you managed to get through llantwit with no cow related incidents

[nimrod]

so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows

you managed to get through llantwit with no cow related incidents

he was too busy with the sheep

[Swiss]

Swiss needs to man up 

I've lived here 20 years and not seen a single snake outside of a wild life park. Seen plenty of snake trails in the sand / dirt - but no snakes. They tend to avoid humans.

On average only 1 to 2 people are killed by sharks in Australia each year (since records began in 1791).
In Britain more people are killed by cows. It's only a few years ago that 4 people in the UK were trampled to death by cows in one 2 month period alone.

The thing "in the loft" was probably only a possum

As far as your well being is concerned the sunburn you got was probably the most hazardous thing.

Although.... the hissing spider does sound interesting. Did it have any markings?

Did I mention the Jellyfish???

I wasn't bothered by the thing in the loft, Sharks... yes, I didn't want to be one of those 2 people per year...


I think the Welsh drivers are far more dangerous than the cows, I've been overtaken 6 times in the last 2 days on windy country roads, I was doing 55 to 60 and most were over taking near blind corners or hills... maniacs!

[nimrod]

Wales you say..

[wigley]

Wales you say..

That makes a change,its normally sheep,they have their fun with !!

[goat]

fucking hell, its mrs bry!

[nimrod]

Nice to see you wiggers, you still a grumpy bastard ?   

[nimrod]

This cracked me up, Northern Territory prossie gets robbed again and is thinking of packing it in


She'd have to fucking pay me 


http://www.news.com.au/national/alice-springss-madam-to-close-business-after-theft-to-become-a-truck-driver-in-a-mine/story-fncynjr2-1226596144184

[goat]

pesty is already asking his mam for his pocket money

[nimrod]

pesty is already asking his mam for his pocket money

bet she stands up when she pisses

[goat]

wizards sleeves and spaniels ears all over the place

[nimrod]

somebody should make a tv series about the NT, Darwin and shit..

Its full of fucking red neck weirdo's doing all kinds of crazy shit, seeing ufo's all the time, crocs and snakes everywhere

they seem to have theyre own laws, crazy twats

[Swiss]

is prostitution legal there?... for pesty's sake of course!!


seriously though, who'd steal a bunch of used dildo's???

[nimrod]

is prostitution legal there?... for pesty's sake of course!!

probably


everything else is

[The Blue Blooded Maniac]

You don't look at the mantel while your poking the fire

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Sex industry is regulated here. Legal brothels etc   As I'm sure nimrod knows 

Soliciting on the street remains illegal.

[Swiss]

You don't look at the mantel while your poking the fire

Depends if the fire is flappy...

[goat]

and you have to watch you dont fall in

[nimrod]

and you have to watch you dont fall in

maybe some of pesty's mates are still in there..


Thinking about things I reckon goat would fit in well in NT, all the shit that goes down, I think its the heat, I mean theyre near the equator so they have gone troppo and a fair bit warped, its a thousand miles to anywhere and its 33C there even when its snowing in Victoria, and they make boats out of old beer cans, maybe goat could do some croc therapy at Steve Irwins death zoo and become a crocologist and snake fancier, a new life for you goat, a regular contributor to the NT Times (the best paper outside Wogga Wogga) ........so get the migration forms and fill em in, in the bit where it says "Do You Have a criminal record" just put, 'I didnt know it was still a requirement. '
Mention you'll be living in the NT. opening a sex parlour specialising in dwarf lesbian sex (chimps/beavers extra) whilst studying for a degree in Crocology and snake/spider appreciation and you'll be in faster than a fart in a fan factory

[wigley]

Nice to see you wiggers, you still a grumpy bastard ?   

Yes

[Swiss]

and you have to watch you dont fall in

maybe some of pesty's mates are still in there..


Thinking about things I reckon goat would fit in well in NT, all the shit that goes down, I think its the heat, I mean theyre near the equator so they have gone troppo and a fair bit warped, its a thousand miles to anywhere and its 33C there even when its snowing in Victoria, and they make boats out of old beer cans, maybe goat could do some croc therapy at Steve Irwins death zoo and become a crocologist and snake fancier, a new life for you goat, a regular contributor to the NT Times (the best paper outside Wogga Wogga) ........so get the migration forms and fill em in, in the bit where it says "Do You Have a criminal record" just put, 'I didnt know it was still a requirement. '
Mention you'll be living in the NT. opening a sex parlour specialising in dwarf lesbian sex (chimps/beavers extra) whilst studying for a degree in Crocology and snake/spider appreciation and you'll be in faster than a fart in a fan factory

I think he should do it just to see what the response would be!

[goat]

fuck that

[nimrod]

 


https://vid.me/KVfZ

[Kilkenny Blue]

PNG was worse.  Taipans trying to get into the house, locals with home made guns.  Croc farm down the road   

[reddishblue]

Blue Bastards.

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/sep/08/blue-bastard-newly-recognised-fish-is-blue-when-adult-and-a-bastard-to-catch

[gavin]

They should put the fish on the new badge.

[reddishblue]

 

[reddishblue]

They should put the fish on the new badge.

Can anyone do that photoshop shite?

[Stephen Paul]

nope

[nimrod]

nope

[nimrod]

[Rowley Birkin QC]

[nimrod]

[nimrod]

that yank one looks soft as shit

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Need something a bit more secure than a tent on some Aussie fishing trips...

http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/apr/25/crocodile-attacks-man-dragging-him-from-tent-in-northern-territory?CMP=fb_gu

[nimrod]

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Australian brickies can take it!

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-37481251

[zacc]

no more ozzie mooning, enough to put several of you on here off visiting Oz!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-37481250

[Lekos]

Australian brickies can take it!

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-37481251

Didn't read like he could take it, Ken!

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Very Australian - his work mates really concerned the first it happened, then taking the piss the second time.

[goat]

lesson to be learned is dont wave your cock at spiders

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Sound advise I've always followed.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Australian Christmas tree decorating at its finest.

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/dec/19/thats-not-tinsel-deadlsnake-found-curled-around-australian-christmas-tree?CMP=twt_gu

[goat]

fucks sake

[Stephen Paul]

some wierd shit out that part of the world

[goat]

kenny is alright when you get used to him

[zacc]

you'll love this goatee

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-australia-40857059/australian-teenager-describes-flesh-eating-bug-attack

[goat]

fucks sake

[Rowley Birkin QC]

This is why I swim in my local pool and not at the local beach.

[goat]

at least all the piss in the pool will help when some twot lobs a jellyfish in

[goat]

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/aug/24/australia-geelong-names-streets-after-game-of-thrones-characters


another reason it should fuck off

should be monkey street, could see ken and gandalf sharing a flat on tripitaka lane

[nimrod]

Bonkers

but look what those crazy Aussies are doing on ABC

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-20/monkey-magic-to-get-a-reboot/8457782

[goat]

already saw about that

chinese always knock out  a new film or show every now and again

[Rowley Birkin QC]

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/sep/05/peppa-pig-spiders-cant-hurt-you-episode-pulled-off-air-in-australia-again?CMP=fb_gu

[zacc]

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/sep/05/peppa-pig-spiders-cant-hurt-you-episode-pulled-off-air-in-australia-again?CMP=fb_gu

Had a wry smile about this as one of the first things my sister warned me about when we first visited her in Sydney,
was when going into the shed to use the washing machine check no spiders  or webs you could walk into!!

[gavin]

Yikes

https://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2017/09/australian-experts-freaked-by-upsurge-in-mysterious-flesh-eating-bacteria/

[goat]

noticed since ken moved there weve had this kind of thing...

[nimrod]

Those crazy fuckers in Darwin....

[nimrod]

[Swiss]

Those crazy fuckers in Darwin....

So where did it come from?

[goat]

a land down under?

[Rowley Birkin QC]

a land down under?

Inspirational stuff from Goat there 

[goat]

cheers kenny, men at work should get some credit

[nimrod]

a land down under?

[nimrod]

Those crazy fuckers in Darwin....

That guy was probably walking past BBM's house

[Swiss]

Terrible puns... but I found the story!

http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/northern-territory/best-man-left-bleeding-after-being-hit-in-head-by-flying-dildo/news-story/7a5cbbe34abdead31e3b02655a2d0c30

[goat]

youve been hunting for a few days?
fucks sake tone, if  you are doing that whos minding the stat machine?

[Swiss]

Calm down, I'm still on holiday, stats will return from Monday...

[goat]

at least throw us a venn diagram

[Swiss]

I prefer Gantt Charts

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Don't mess with the Roos either (especially the buff ones)

https://www.indy100.com/article/kangaroo-muscles-hench-size-western-australia-facebook-photo-viral-twitter-7994776

[nimrod]

Cockatoos Blamed For Chewing Through NBN Cables Across Australia


http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/2017/11/03/cockatoos-blamed-for-chewing-through-nbn-cables-across-australia_a_23266479/

[gavin]

Ouch

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2018/apr/16/tissue-destroying-ulcer-frequently-found-in-africa-spreading-rapidly-in-australia

[Rowley Birkin QC]

I'm staying indoors.

[goat]

good plan, can always send  mrs ken out for the whisky

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Exactly right.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Up next with have violent gangs of kangaroos - drugged up on carrots.

http://amp.abc.net.au/article/9716612?__twitter_impression=true

[bluebrendan]

Up next with have violent gangs of kangaroos - drugged up on carrots.

http://amp.abc.net.au/article/9716612?__twitter_impression=true

Oz has been a fascinating sociological experiment, transport loads of criminals there and 200+ years later you get violent kangaroos. 

[goat]

so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about

[Rowley Birkin QC]

so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about

Living next door to Nimrod.

[shandon]

I guess that means Queensland? 

[nimrod]

so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about

Northern territory
Maniacs and loonies

[Rowley Birkin QC]

I once knew a policeman who worked the far outback of Western Australia. Sounded like the fuckin wild west. He only stuck it a few years. Said the independent miners, often living on small claims out in the middle of nowhere were the worst. Genuinely scary feckers he said.

[goat]

so mad max was a documentary

[nimrod]

so mad max was a documentary

Everyday life up there

[goat]

ken nipping out to aussie spar to get his vegemite and whisky

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Yeah - that's so me...

[Swiss]

Are you a top or bottom ken?

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Top or bottom of what?

[The Blue Blooded Maniac]

Of Lekos?

[goat]

harsh, ken can do better

[nimrod]

Top or bottom of what?

Your question shows a clean mind Ken 

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Pure as the driven snow me...

[The Blue Blooded Maniac]

White liiiiiiines

[goat]

oi fuck off. serious thread about the dangers of oz this, not the dangers of ken going off on one on ket

[reddishblue]

[gavin]

With their immigration, energy and encryption laws, Australia is in danger of looking more backward than the US and Trump.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Oh, we're certainly trying very hard to be total twots.

[bluebrendan]

With their immigration, energy and encryption laws, Australia is in danger of looking more backward than the US and Trump.

They've been encrypting speech for years, what was "good arvo" or "fair dinkum" all about, never mind "tie me kangaroo down...". 

Talking of kangaroos, one in Queensland wasn't too keen on the free food handouts. 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-45854281

[goat]

isnt oz still big on coal?

[gavin]

Aye, and planning to continue to...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-45798643

[Rowley Birkin QC]

One end of the Liberal / Nationals coalition loves coal to bits... but the rest of the country is more realistic about how things are more likely to go. (South Australia recently installed one of the biggest high capacity battery storage systems in the world). 

[bluebrendan]

I must admit oz does a mean line in spiders.



https://www.news.com.au/technology/science/animals/queensland-man-spends-year-with-insanely-huge-spider/news-story/50af7ec7f7fd562c7e1e14fd4329a66e

[Swiss]

When analysing that huge spider, this wasn't the first thing that came into my head

"The spider, which appeared to have an abdomen similar in size to a large halogen light globe".

[goat]

7 pages this and they still havent closed the place down

[Swiss]

Tbf, as long as they keep rolling out Pia Miller's, I'd take a few brown snakes (not a euphemism).

[reddishblue]

Arriving in Oz at the end of March (Sydney) mainly to see the kids as they've been out there for a while. I'm there for a couple of months and wondered if Rowley fancies a pint sometime as the offspring will undoubtedly get pissed off with me at some point.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

I'd love to, but I'm in Melbourne. And this is a big country!

[reddishblue]

I have to go Melbourne at some point so being far away isn't getting you out of buying a pint.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

😆 Okay - stay in touch.

[reddishblue]

Recommend some ales to try.

[reddishblue]

😆 Okay - stay in touch.

Not long now. I've put you down as my emergency contact on my DPD, Ta.

[reddishblue]

I shall be claiming refugee status immediately upon arrival due to war in Europe even if they can't whistle.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Hi reddish. Apologies - just getting back to this (i've currently several contracts on the go - lots of early starts - so rushing around like an idiot).  On the question of ale... Aus has a flourishing micro brewer industry these days, producing a wide range of interesting beers, but much of it is very local so I'm not familiar with what you'll find in Sydney. Some of the better bottle beers like James Squire and Four Pines cross State boundaries. Beer is generally drunk cold here, so expect a lot of lager beers, pale ales, and Pacific ales. But there are some interesting 'dark' ales kicking around, and a few good stouts (usually only in bottles though). You might want to steer clear of some of the mainstream draft stuff (mostly Tooheys in Sydney; Victoria Bitter and Carlton Draught here in Melbourne) in the 'big' pubs - perfectly drinkable, but no better than the stuff they dish out at UK football grounds. Furphys is okay-ish for a standard lager-beer However, most decent pubs usually have a 'speciality' beer or two on tap.  Ask the bar staff - they're usually quite informative on what your  drinking (once they finished winding you up about English cricket!)

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Forget about refugee status - the unsympathetic fuckers will just lock you up in a 'hotel' for several years.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Let me know when you're in Melbourne Reddish. I've a lot on at the moment,  but I have projects on in the city until Easter, so I could meet you in a pub after work, if you're around?

[reddishblue]

Just arrived in Sydney don't know yet when I'll be in Melbourne

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Won't be anything over the next week I'm afraid. Tested positive to covid this morning ☹

[gavin]

Get well soon

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Get well soon

Thanks Gavin. First couple of days were a bit rough. Not so bad now, but very tired. The vaccines certainly soften the blow.

[lee]

Be right in a few days Ken and back on them nice beers you described.Get well soon.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Be right in a few days Ken and back on them nice beers you described.Get well soon.

Thank Lee. I'm not so bad. First 48 hours were a bit rough, but the vaccines did their job and softened the blow (I've had worse flu). Almost back to normal now, but very tired and no energy. City dealing with Athletico's shithousery was quite the tonic. Very proud of the boys for standing up to them.

[reddishblue]

Balters is a nice pint. To sup at home I am mostly having 50 lashes.

[Rowley Birkin QC]

Good choices 🙂

[reddishblue]

Didn't get to Melbourne unfortunately, maybe next time. There were many nice beers, the names of which I can't remember.

I now know what going for a Slap is. VIP lounges everywhere.

Met some white tailed spiders the sneaky little bastards.