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fuck off australia part 4

Started by goat, September 16, 2015, 17:39:46

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goat

found a good looking show on netflix, top 72 stroppy animals or something

all 72 are in fucking australia!...what the fuck is going on with that place, seriously no need, pick 2 you want to keep and kill the rest

how do you go to the pub without a croc having your leg off and shit and is it safe having a shit or will a shark have your bollocks off

gavin

It would make your life more interesting at least but I don't think incidents are that common. Anyway there's loads of dangerous animals in Cardiff.

goat

only the women

some tart had her head bit by a sea lion, seriously, close the place down


not seen ken on this  list yet

nimrod

America is worse

I can go walking on Mt Tambourine or the Glasshouse Mtns near where I live and the only thing to watch for are snakes which dont attack you, they fuck off when they hear you coming, nothing is gonna eat you..

In the US, you have to worry about nasty Bears, Mountain lions, Cougars, Snakes, Coyotes, Wolves

I once stayed in a log cabin in Sierra Madre mountains in California and at 1 am I was woken by a bear outside my fucking cabin, I was terrified it would rip the door of and eat me (maybe girlfriend first) didnt get any sleep

Much safer in Oz, no guns either   ;D

goat

bollocks, sharks, crocs, spiders in your daps, snakes every bastard where and its too hot

not a big fan of africa either

nimrod

you watch too many daft tv shows

only scary things here are the women 

(now chopper reed's dead)  :D

goat

dont come running to me after a koala has kicked the shit out of you

nimrod

Quote from: goat on September 16, 2015, 23:04:35
dont come running to me after a koala has kicked the shit out of you

you gotta wach out for them dropping out of trees, about 4 kilo's they could give you brain damage

Rowley Birkin QC

Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

bluepill


nimrod

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 16, 2015, 23:46:23
Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

do you think thats real or a photoshop jobbie?

Swiss

Apart from the snake, looks like you'd catch something anyway!


I was attacked by a Spider in Oz, was cooking in a rented villa (sounds posher than it was) and dropped some raw mince on the floor. A spider climbed out from underneath and started feasting on it. My GF at the time wouldn't let me kill it so I got a bowl and a plate and attempted to catch it (no way picking it up by hand). As I put the plate down it started hissing at me (rubbing it's back legs on it's carapace) and then started jumping at the plate over and over again... My size 11's came down fast on that little fucker.

Saw a massive red cricket in the bog.

We had a lizzard climbing up the bathroom wall, the ex took a photo and the flash stunned it, poor fella never recovered!

Saw loads of Jelly Fish

Sawins in the sea and rushed out to see everyone rushing in... Dolphins, not taking my chances there!

Didn't see any snakes

There was a tiny black spider that lived above the back door, we ran out of that every time!

had a cockroach climb over our bed, boy that was big!

And there was something in the loft... kept moving things and scuttering about...

Didn't see any snakes

The news reported that a 15 foot tiger shark had been spotted off the beach we were swimming on...

got sunburnt.

Rowley Birkin QC

Quote from: nimrod on September 17, 2015, 02:01:58
Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 16, 2015, 23:46:23
Oh nimmers - now you know that only happens during the mating season...


Meanwhile - be careful going to the toilet in Townsville -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/image/6777242-3x2-940x627.jpg

do you think thats real or a photoshop jobbie?

Sometimes I worry about you nimmers  ;)  Of course it's not Photoshoped - check the picture URL, it's from a legitimate ABC news story.

The recent lack of rain around Townsville has dried out a lot of the natural snake habitats and it seems a fair number of snakes have been seeking solace in suburban toilets!

Full story (with more pics) here -

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-15/snakes-in-loos-search-for-water-in-townsville-houses/6778608

Rowley Birkin QC

Swiss needs to man up  :D

I've lived here 20 years and not seen a single snake outside of a wild life park. Seen plenty of snake trails in the sand / dirt - but no snakes. They tend to avoid humans.

On average only 1 to 2 people are killed by sharks in Australia each year (since records began in 1791).
In Britain more people are killed by cows. It's only a few years ago that 4 people in the UK were trampled to death by cows in one 2 month period alone.

The thing "in the loft" was probably only a possum

As far as your well being is concerned the sunburn you got was probably the most hazardous thing.

Although.... the hissing spider does sound interesting. Did it have any markings?

goat

#14
so kens working for the aussie tourist board now


see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

and add the accent to my list...not everything is a question

Rowley Birkin QC

Quote from: goat on September 17, 2015, 13:15:17
so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows

Quote from: goat on September 17, 2015, 13:15:17
and add the accent to my list...not everything is a question

Got a point there. Bloody annoying is the 'Australian Inflection'.

nimrod

I didnt notice the ABC thing Ken,  :D but Ive seen a few fake pictures of Aussie creatures.........I think the thing is if you live in a City (like me & Ken) you dont see snakes, Ive lived on 2 acres for a good few years and Ive only seen 2 snakes and one of them was dead, seen loads of possums, brush turkeys, Kangaroos, Koalas, giant fruit bats etc I think snakes tend to go to live in places where humans dont live, we get a few spiders in the house, say 1 a month but I dont mind them, Huntsmen spiders scared me to death when I first came here but I can actually pick one up now and put it out, they are about the size of the average womans (quite big) hand but not poisonous, we sometimes get one coming in the house in summer, they dont build webs, they hunt at night and can travel one or two kilometres a night

goat

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 17, 2015, 13:39:09
Quote from: goat on September 17, 2015, 13:15:17
so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows


you managed to get through llantwit with no cow related incidents

nimrod

Quote from: goat on September 17, 2015, 13:55:08
Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 17, 2015, 13:39:09
Quote from: goat on September 17, 2015, 13:15:17
so kens working for the aussie tourist board now

see, i was right, look at tonys story. its a fucking nightmare place

I'll remind you of this conversation the next time you get beaten up by a herd of welsh cows


you managed to get through llantwit with no cow related incidents

he was too busy with the sheep

Swiss

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 17, 2015, 12:26:03
Swiss needs to man up  :D

I've lived here 20 years and not seen a single snake outside of a wild life park. Seen plenty of snake trails in the sand / dirt - but no snakes. They tend to avoid humans.

On average only 1 to 2 people are killed by sharks in Australia each year (since records began in 1791).
In Britain more people are killed by cows. It's only a few years ago that 4 people in the UK were trampled to death by cows in one 2 month period alone.

The thing "in the loft" was probably only a possum

As far as your well being is concerned the sunburn you got was probably the most hazardous thing.

Although.... the hissing spider does sound interesting. Did it have any markings?

Did I mention the Jellyfish???

I wasn't bothered by the thing in the loft, Sharks... yes, I didn't want to be one of those 2 people per year...


I think the Welsh drivers are far more dangerous than the cows, I've been overtaken 6 times in the last 2 days on windy country roads, I was doing 55 to 60 and most were over taking near blind corners or hills... maniacs!


wigley


goat


nimrod

Nice to see you wiggers, you still a grumpy bastard ?   :D

nimrod

This cracked me up, Northern Territory prossie gets robbed again and is thinking of packing it in


She'd have to fucking pay me  :D


http://www.news.com.au/national/alice-springss-madam-to-close-business-after-theft-to-become-a-truck-driver-in-a-mine/story-fncynjr2-1226596144184

goat

pesty is already asking his mam for his pocket money

nimrod

Quote from: goat on September 18, 2015, 23:00:36
pesty is already asking his mam for his pocket money

:D


bet she stands up when she pisses

goat

wizards sleeves and spaniels ears all over the place

nimrod

somebody should make a tv series about the NT, Darwin and shit..

Its full of fucking red neck weirdo's doing all kinds of crazy shit, seeing ufo's all the time, crocs and snakes everywhere

they seem to have theyre own laws, crazy twats


Swiss

is prostitution legal there?... for pesty's sake of course!!


seriously though, who'd steal a bunch of used dildo's???


nimrod

Quote from: Swiss on September 19, 2015, 00:56:58
is prostitution legal there?... for pesty's sake of course!!




probably


everything else is

The Blue Blooded Maniac

You don't look at the mantel while your poking the fire

Rowley Birkin QC

Sex industry is regulated here. Legal brothels etc   As I'm sure nimrod knows  ;)

Soliciting on the street remains illegal.

Swiss

Quote from: Durk on September 19, 2015, 13:11:09
You don't look at the mantel while your poking the fire

Depends if the fire is flappy...

goat

and you have to watch you dont fall in

nimrod

Quote from: goat on September 19, 2015, 17:18:09
and you have to watch you dont fall in

maybe some of pesty's mates are still in there..


Thinking about things I reckon goat would fit in well in NT, all the shit that goes down, I think its the heat, I mean theyre near the equator so they have gone troppo and a fair bit warped, its a thousand miles to anywhere and its 33C there even when its snowing in Victoria, and they make boats out of old beer cans, maybe goat could do some croc therapy at Steve Irwins death zoo and become a crocologist and snake fancier, a new life for you goat, a regular contributor to the NT Times (the best paper outside Wogga Wogga) ........so get the migration forms and fill em in, in the bit where it says "Do You Have a criminal record" just put, 'I didnt know it was still a requirement. '
Mention you'll be living in the NT. opening a sex parlour specialising in dwarf lesbian sex (chimps/beavers extra) whilst studying for a degree in Crocology and snake/spider appreciation and you'll be in faster than a fart in a fan factory

wigley


Swiss

Quote from: nimrod on September 19, 2015, 23:44:36
Quote from: goat on September 19, 2015, 17:18:09
and you have to watch you dont fall in

maybe some of pesty's mates are still in there..


Thinking about things I reckon goat would fit in well in NT, all the shit that goes down, I think its the heat, I mean theyre near the equator so they have gone troppo and a fair bit warped, its a thousand miles to anywhere and its 33C there even when its snowing in Victoria, and they make boats out of old beer cans, maybe goat could do some croc therapy at Steve Irwins death zoo and become a crocologist and snake fancier, a new life for you goat, a regular contributor to the NT Times (the best paper outside Wogga Wogga) ........so get the migration forms and fill em in, in the bit where it says "Do You Have a criminal record" just put, 'I didnt know it was still a requirement. '
Mention you'll be living in the NT. opening a sex parlour specialising in dwarf lesbian sex (chimps/beavers extra) whilst studying for a degree in Crocology and snake/spider appreciation and you'll be in faster than a fart in a fan factory

I think he should do it just to see what the response would be!

goat



Kilkenny Blue

PNG was worse.  Taipans trying to get into the house, locals with home made guns.  Croc farm down the road  >:( 


gavin

They should put the fish on the new badge.


reddishblue

Quote from: gavin on October 22, 2015, 22:00:05
They should put the fish on the new badge.

Can anyone do that photoshop shite?


Stephen Paul



nimrod


Rowley Birkin QC




Rowley Birkin QC



Rowley Birkin QC


zacc

#54
no more ozzie mooning, enough to put several of you on here off visiting Oz! ;)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-37481250


Rowley Birkin QC

Very Australian - his work mates really concerned the first it happened, then taking the piss the second time.

goat

lesson to be learned is dont wave your cock at spiders

Rowley Birkin QC

Sound advise I've always followed.

Rowley Birkin QC


goat


Stephen Paul

some wierd shit out that part of the world

goat

kenny is alright when you get used to him


goat


Rowley Birkin QC

This is why I swim in my local pool and not at the local beach.

goat

at least all the piss in the pool will help when some twot lobs a jellyfish in

goat

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/aug/24/australia-geelong-names-streets-after-game-of-thrones-characters


another reason it should fuck off

should be monkey street, could see ken and gandalf sharing a flat on tripitaka lane

nimrod


goat

already saw about that

chinese always knock out  a new film or show every now and again


zacc

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on September 05, 2017, 21:56:31
https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/sep/05/peppa-pig-spiders-cant-hurt-you-episode-pulled-off-air-in-australia-again?CMP=fb_gu

Had a wry smile about this as one of the first things my sister warned me about when we first visited her in Sydney,
was when going into the shed to use the washing machine check no spiders  or webs you could walk into!! :o


goat

noticed since ken moved there weve had this kind of thing...

nimrod

Those crazy fuckers in Darwin....



Swiss


goat


Rowley Birkin QC


goat

cheers kenny, men at work should get some credit


nimrod

Quote from: nimrod on September 21, 2017, 22:12:27
Those crazy fuckers in Darwin....



That guy was probably walking past BBM's house


goat

youve been hunting for a few days?
fucks sake tone, if  you are doing that whos minding the stat machine?

Swiss

Calm down, I'm still on holiday, stats will return from Monday...

goat

at least throw us a venn diagram

Swiss


Rowley Birkin QC




Rowley Birkin QC


goat

good plan, can always send  mrs ken out for the whisky

Rowley Birkin QC


Rowley Birkin QC

Up next with have violent gangs of kangaroos - drugged up on carrots.

http://amp.abc.net.au/article/9716612?__twitter_impression=true

bluebrendan

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on May 02, 2018, 00:37:02
Up next with have violent gangs of kangaroos - drugged up on carrots.

http://amp.abc.net.au/article/9716612?__twitter_impression=true
Oz has been a fascinating sociological experiment, transport loads of criminals there and 200+ years later you get violent kangaroos.  :D

goat

so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about


Rowley Birkin QC

Quote from: goat on May 02, 2018, 11:31:07
so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about

Living next door to Nimrod.

shandon

I guess that means Queensland?  :)

nimrod

Quote from: goat on May 02, 2018, 11:31:07
so which is  the most batshit part of  oz, must be a part the  rest of the country think fuckin hell about

Northern territory
Maniacs and loonies

Rowley Birkin QC

I once knew a policeman who worked the far outback of Western Australia. Sounded like the fuckin wild west. He only stuck it a few years. Said the independent miners, often living on small claims out in the middle of nowhere were the worst. Genuinely scary feckers he said.

goat

so mad max was a documentary

nimrod


goat

ken nipping out to aussie spar to get his vegemite and whisky

Rowley Birkin QC


Swiss

Are you a top or bottom ken?

Rowley Birkin QC


The Blue Blooded Maniac


goat


nimrod


Rowley Birkin QC

Pure as the driven snow me...

The Blue Blooded Maniac


goat

oi fuck off. serious thread about the dangers of oz this, not the dangers of ken going off on one on ket


gavin

With their immigration, energy and encryption laws, Australia is in danger of looking more backward than the US and Trump.

Rowley Birkin QC

Oh, we're certainly trying very hard to be total twots.

bluebrendan

Quote from: gavin on October 15, 2018, 21:35:12
With their immigration, energy and encryption laws, Australia is in danger of looking more backward than the US and Trump.
They've been encrypting speech for years, what was "good arvo" or "fair dinkum" all about, never mind "tie me kangaroo down...".  ;)

Talking of kangaroos, one in Queensland wasn't too keen on the free food handouts.  :o

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-45854281

goat


gavin


Rowley Birkin QC

One end of the Liberal / Nationals coalition loves coal to bits... but the rest of the country is more realistic about how things are more likely to go. (South Australia recently installed one of the biggest high capacity battery storage systems in the world). 


Swiss

When analysing that huge spider, this wasn't the first thing that came into my head

"The spider, which appeared to have an abdomen similar in size to a large halogen light globe".

goat

7 pages this and they still havent closed the place down

Swiss

Tbf, as long as they keep rolling out Pia Miller's, I'd take a few brown snakes (not a euphemism).

reddishblue

Arriving in Oz at the end of March (Sydney) mainly to see the kids as they've been out there for a while. I'm there for a couple of months and wondered if Rowley fancies a pint sometime as the offspring will undoubtedly get pissed off with me at some point.

Rowley Birkin QC

I'd love to, but I'm in Melbourne. And this is a big country!

reddishblue

I have to go Melbourne at some point so being far away isn't getting you out of buying a pint.

Rowley Birkin QC


reddishblue

Recommend some ales to try.

reddishblue

Quote from: Rowley Birkin QC on March 03, 2022, 23:22:54
😆 Okay - stay in touch.

Not long now. I've put you down as my emergency contact on my DPD, Ta.

reddishblue

I shall be claiming refugee status immediately upon arrival due to war in Europe even if they can't whistle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWqmQlSScI0

Rowley Birkin QC

Hi reddish. Apologies - just getting back to this (i've currently several contracts on the go - lots of early starts - so rushing around like an idiot).  On the question of ale... Aus has a flourishing micro brewer industry these days, producing a wide range of interesting beers, but much of it is very local so I'm not familiar with what you'll find in Sydney. Some of the better bottle beers like James Squire and Four Pines cross State boundaries. Beer is generally drunk cold here, so expect a lot of lager beers, pale ales, and Pacific ales. But there are some interesting 'dark' ales kicking around, and a few good stouts (usually only in bottles though). You might want to steer clear of some of the mainstream draft stuff (mostly Tooheys in Sydney; Victoria Bitter and Carlton Draught here in Melbourne) in the 'big' pubs - perfectly drinkable, but no better than the stuff they dish out at UK football grounds. Furphys is okay-ish for a standard lager-beer However, most decent pubs usually have a 'speciality' beer or two on tap.  Ask the bar staff - they're usually quite informative on what your  drinking (once they finished winding you up about English cricket!)

Rowley Birkin QC

Forget about refugee status - the unsympathetic fuckers will just lock you up in a 'hotel' for several years.

Rowley Birkin QC

Let me know when you're in Melbourne Reddish. I've a lot on at the moment,  but I have projects on in the city until Easter, so I could meet you in a pub after work, if you're around?

reddishblue

Just arrived in Sydney don't know yet when I'll be in Melbourne

Rowley Birkin QC

Won't be anything over the next week I'm afraid. Tested positive to covid this morning ☹

gavin


Rowley Birkin QC

Quote from: gavin on April 07, 2022, 16:55:35
Get well soon

Thanks Gavin. First couple of days were a bit rough. Not so bad now, but very tired. The vaccines certainly soften the blow.

lee

Be right in a few days Ken and back on them nice beers you described.Get well soon.

Rowley Birkin QC

Quote from: lee on April 13, 2022, 07:32:58
Be right in a few days Ken and back on them nice beers you described.Get well soon.

Thank Lee. I'm not so bad. First 48 hours were a bit rough, but the vaccines did their job and softened the blow (I've had worse flu). Almost back to normal now, but very tired and no energy. City dealing with Athletico's shithousery was quite the tonic. Very proud of the boys for standing up to them.

reddishblue

#139
Balters is a nice pint. To sup at home I am mostly having 50 lashes.

Rowley Birkin QC


reddishblue

Didn't get to Melbourne unfortunately, maybe next time. There were many nice beers, the names of which I can't remember.

I now know what going for a Slap is. VIP lounges everywhere.

Met some white tailed spiders the sneaky little bastards.